As a woman, do you sometimes feel we still have a long way to go to achieve women's
equality? It seems to me that achieving gender equality in the home, regarding family care and
household tasks, is the linchpin. This would allow more time and space to nurture our creative
talents, skills, and professional advancement. A biography I am reading about three feminist
sisters living in the 1800s provoked me to take stock of my own status.
My husband is a juror in a complicated inheritance trial where the caregivers of an elderly man may or may not have stolen money from him while also influencing him to cut his daughter out of his will. There was a large pool of potential jurors but ultimately the judge settled on eight females and four males.
I asked my husband, "Why do you think the judge thought that the men's reasons for not serving were more valid than those of women? I wonder how often there is a similar gender imbalance in jury selection."
"I don't know." He responded and went on to say, "The trial is very interesting. It's like a novel or TV drama."
"This may be your perspective and those of the other three male jurors," I replied. "However, I speculate that the female jurors are likely half listening to the witnesses while stressing out about home chores, childcare and education, elderly parent care, errands to run, meals to cook, and job security risks from missing two weeks of work." The judge's selection of more female than male jurors had struck a nerve.
There has been progress in what women can achieve in their professional and civic lives, but we still assume an oversized responsibility for everything else. Claire Caine Miller, who writes about gender, families, and the future of work, sums it up well in her February 11, 2020 New York Times column, "Young men embrace gender equality but they still don't vacuum" and November 17 column, "When schools closed, Americans turned to their usual back-up plan – Mothers."
Miller argues that men's jobs are not inherently less flexible than women's, but that they treat them as though they are. Women's careers and aspirations suffer because of persistent beliefs that women are ultimately responsible for homemaking and child rearing and because our country lacks policies to help parents manage the load. The perception (or reality) that women require more flexibility in the workplace to deal with family matters may be a factor contributing to other aspects of women's equality such as gender gaps in promotions and pay.
Caine Miller believes that to improve women's equality will require changing inherent beliefs about what men should do in the home. She quotes Joanna Pepin, "If young people can't envision a model of what men's time at home might look like, that's evidence that our beliefs about gender are really strong and sticky."
The gender inequality problem is bigger than I am, but I have to tackle it if I want to get more out of life. I have to become more aware of how gender inequality affects me in the hopes of freeing up more of my time. Over the years, I noticed that my husband has more leisure time than I do, but I want that to change.
My initial thoughts were first, to ask my husband to assume some of the household duties that take so many hours of my day; and second, to give up my need to oversee the household. The second has been the harder to implement.
I concede that my husband does a lot that I don't want to do – tasks like cleaning gutters, pruning the garden, composting leaves, replacing rotting boards on our old house. In the house, he is willing to do anything I ask but that doesn't address my greatest aggravation. The daily "to do" list is always in my head. If ask him to fold a load of clothes, he does it with a smile, but it is the bigger task of managing the week's mountain of laundry that falls on me.
In the years before we met, my husband had his own house in Cuenca, Ecuador, where he served in the Peace Corps. Friends who knew him then talked about the delicious stuffed eggplants he cooked in an improvised tin can oven. They remembered other colorful things about his home there. He had a sign on his bathroom door that stated "Guests like fish smell after 3 days." He decorated his small house with indigenous textiles and crafts. A local woodworker carved a frame for his waterbed. Indeed, he was a very cool bachelor with an eye for art and a notable sense of personal and home style.
When we married in 1978, he cooked dinner every other night, but soon I took charge of the cooking and housecleaning. I rationalized that I enjoyed cooking more than he did; and found housecleaning to be a physical outlet from work stress. I seemed to be hell bent to out-cook Betty Crocker and out-sanitize Mr. Clean. It was a very bad move.
Our daughter was born. I began to resent working full-time at my job followed by full-time work in the home, but it was my fault. I had this screwy belief system etched in my brain about my over-sized family support role. I've fumed about this for years, but have come to realize the biggest problem is my need to control, to be in charge.
As a child, I thought I was as smart and capable as any boy, however, I came to realize that I was not perceived as equal by the adults in my life, nor encouraged and equally supported to achieve my ambitions. Somewhere in early childhood or school years I internalized a myth that our society held no restrictions for upward social and economic advancement. I came to believe that there were no glass ceilings for those with talent, education and ambition no matter their background or gender.
It took me a while to realize that these myths were selective and pertained primarily to Caucasian men and boys. I couldn't turn cartwheels on the playground because in those days, girls wore dresses, not pants. In school clubs I noticed that boys held offices of president and girls were elected as secretaries. In high school I wanted to take a drafting class which interested me greatly but was forced to take home economics even though I hated cooking and sewing. For most of my life I preferred not to think about this racial and gender based bias and preferred to pretend that it did not exist. I was embarrassed by the absurdity.
I should have been angry. I should have led my life differently.
My children are now adults and I have retired from my career as an international child development specialist. There remains so much I still want to accomplish in my life. I have novels and a memoir to write. I have a passion for graphic journaling and gardening. I am studying piano. I want to bike and swim, dance and practice yoga several times a week. I want to read a book, maybe two, in the middle of the day, and not just in the minutes before I fall asleep. I know how important it is to take time for friends - a message, a phone call, a chat over the fence, and how much I gain from their presence in my life. I love to cook and gather friends and family around my table but now I realize that food planning, shopping and cooking must be reduced if I want to have it all.
I want more time to hike, sail, and travel with my husband instead of each of us moving in our respective spheres of kitchen and yard. I want more meaningful visits with my children where I am cooking and cleaning less and we are cooking and cleaning together, with time to sort through old pictures and play board games.
I am beginning to realize that there are some changes I can still make. I should have started this journey a long time ago. But it is never too late to write "her-story". I shall start here.
In this blog I'd like to share a couple of things that have helped me to improve gender equity in my home, and reclaim the story that is my life.
When I read about other women's struggles for equality, it encourages me to take stock of my own. I discover and honor women trailblazers by reading biographies like The Peabody Sisters, and Margaret Fuller, A New American Life, both written by Megan Marshall. I've been inspired by the lives of Eleanor Roosevelt, Gertrude Bell and many other remarkable women - some only recently recalled to us by historians and biographers.
I also enjoy reading an historical novel, that tells the story of a remarkable young woman, an anomaly for the time, such as Sarah Grimke, in "The Invention of Wings," by Sue Monk Kidd. I use stories about remarkable women to objectively think about my own status. I compare my accomplishments with the women being profiled. I take courage from their courage.
I enjoy sharing these insights with friends. They provide me with a safe space for reflection and action planning. It goes down easier to say I am going to my book group than to my women's empowerment study group.
I found much food for thought in Megan Marshall's biography, The Peabody Sisters. Marshall spent twenty-years delving into a cache of journals, notes, letters, and unpublished essays of three brilliant sisters who lived in the Boston & Concord areas in the early to mid 1800s. Their talents were unleashed and promoted by an unconventional mother who recognized that her own education, intelligence and skills far outweighed those of her husband, and she thus encouraged her daughters to achieve "decent independence" through teaching.
With poor prospects for the family's advancement, the mother concluded that her daughters must polish up their intellect and prepare to take care of themselves. The girls charged forward not only through innovations in teaching but also by writing, editing, publishing, painting and hosting evening discussions where progressive ideas for the times were found.
The oldest daughter, Elizabeth, was particularly brilliant, a deep reflective thinker, and prolific writer. Just like the child who declared the emperor had no clothes, Elizabeth Peabody, uncovered a revolutionary idea-women's minds are equal to those of men.
She delved into religious studies and her thoughts contributed to political transformation in New England society from a parochial to secular democracy. She developed progressive education approaches such as conversational teaching and learning through inquiry. She ran a popular historical studies course from her home, which Harvard male students asked to attend. There were no history courses at Harvard; but because she was a woman, Harvard never considered offering her a teaching post.
There was a bit of a Renaissance in New England during the 1800's when women's ideas were welcomed in literary circles. However, documentation of their ideas was rare. While Elizabeth and her sisters were furiously independent minded and prolific thinkers, they were hesitant at self-promotion. Instead, their ideas were incorporated into the lectures and writings of men such as Ralph Waldo Emerson, Horace Mann, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, William Channing, and Henry David Thoreau. These men – all very good at self-promotion – are the ones whose profound literary contributions we now glean from history books.
Books, such as The Peabody Sisters, are my muse. I surround myself with great books from many genres and keep lists of ones to borrow or buy. If I choose carefully, each has the power to transform me in some way, and perhaps to make me a better person. I also find that the benefits of reading are enhanced when I hear others' perspectives on the same book. I hope that readers of this post will share their struggles to gain equality in the home and workplace. I'd also like to hear your suggestions for biographies of women that inspired you.
This is the first of a series of blogs where I plan to talk about books that are shaping my thoughts and actions. I especially look forward to expanding my views by hearing from you.
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